Sunday, November 13, 2005

Yes, I'm human too

It's saturday night, and I just got back home from spending some time with the fellas. So of course, I have decided to blog.

I don't usually like posting about my "feelings" or emotional type stuff, but I am going to break normalcy and be perfectly honest: I am an emotional mess.

Tonight I watched Fight Club. If you've never seen the movie you won't understand, but I feel as if I need hours upon which to contemplate. If you have seen the movie you probably 1) thought it was terribly "un-Christian"; 2) wanted to fight people; or 3) actually realized the depth and meaning of the film. I would be in category three, although I'm still trying to sort out what the entire film entails. Mix this deeply philosophical film with my current emotions and you have me being in an unbelievably indescribable state of mind.

So what am I feeling? Confused. Life is unusual, as if we go through it wanting, believing, having more, but still we are restless. What does writing this really even mean to me? Or to you? Why do you read this, why do I write it?

It's amazing how I can be so apathetic yet feel so much. I know the two are mutually exclusive. I don't care, it's what describes me best.

Most people don't know I'm going through many personal struggles right now. I have been intentional about not proclaiming this fact but now that I have put it out where all the public can see I've decided to leave it at that and not describe the struggles. Nonetheless, life is...difficult?...I don't think that's really the best word to describe it. Life is like Fight Club. I am Tyler Durden. In many ways that I don't even understand. And I'm not him in many ways. But tonight, Tyler Durden and I share at least unfulfillment. It's true. I am unfulfilled. And I don't mean situationally unfulfilled. I don't mean a sense of "roller-coaster" unfulfillment. I mean...I feel unfulfilled...yet I feel fulfilled. Which is why I don't trust my feelings right now; they make no sense.

I am Tyler Durden. Tonight. Tomorrow, maybe I'll be someone else. Or maybe I'll just want to be.

1 comment:

Tekchip said...

Probably a bit late but it sounds like you were sleep deprivated and tired. I run in to this train of thought all the time and it primarily tends to creep up either A) when I'm tired or B) Leading up to some event that could really be used for the Lord. Either way you look at it its a matter of spiritual warfare. A spiritual fight club if you will. Battle on brother!