Friday, August 26, 2005

What say ye?

It is simply one of those days. You know the type I mean. Thoughts are swirling in your head, emotions you didn't know you have dancing through you and intersecting in a massize eight lane highway pile up. One of those days where you read John Wesley and wonder, "It sounds nice. I just don't see it ever happening in me." One of those days where you have three different options to choose and indecision becomes the deciding factor (that and the lack of a reliable vehicle). One of those days where you wish you could be more than one person yet you are unable to even understand one of you much less multiple. One of those days where confusion reigns supreme.

You ever have a day like this? I finished reading Blue Like Jazz yesterday and wanted to weep. I wanted to weep because I don't weep when I read the Gospels. I wanted to weep because I don't weep when someone asks me about Jesus. I'm not saying I want to be an overly emotional spring that bubbles with tears at the mention of teddy bears, but there are certainly times when I wonder why my heart seems so cold. Why is it I yearn for knowledge, I yearn for understanding, and yet I neglect to question the emotional apathy that resides within all too often?

I suppose I will be brutally honest. I feel as if I am impersonal with my personal God. I had a turtle once. I loved that turtle. I talked to her and took her on walks down the block. I remember that turtle, but I haven't seen her for a number of years now. Sometimes I feel that way about Jesus. I remember meeting Him. I remember the euphoria, sort of. I know a lot about Him, but it's been a while since He and I had a good one-on-one.

I've struggled with this sort of thing. I feel an unsolvable paradox within the Christian life. I feel that unless I put effort into my relationship with God it will dissolve. While I think this is somewhat accurate I also acknowledge that there is much in my relationship with God that is out of my control. When does God take over? When you sit still and yearn to hear from God and don't, when will you begin to hear? Is it my divine deafness that keeps me from hearing, or is it lack of speech on the part of the Creator? Is it both?

"I'm struggling with God." I've said this often. I've been told often, "You just need to spend more time with Him. You need to spend more time doing devotions. You need to spend more time in prayer." I'm not denying this type-cast answer. But if my life is to be vibrant and filled with the Holy Spirit I wonder if I am really capable of doing the filling? I believe that there is more to life than my current situation. I can feel that there is more. Help me, Lord, with my unbelief.


Jonathan Yen said...

I've certainly had days like that.... I had one today, and it's still ongoing. I wish I could be everywhere in one place... helping this church, or that church, or serving others in every form... but then when I get home, I just sit on my butt and waste time. I tell myself, I'm too tired, or I've done enough... or maybe it's Satan telling me that.

What first brought you that euphoria of knowing God? Revisiting that often brings me to relive that emotion. When I first truly found Him, I probably cried every Sunday; tears of joy. Now, I don't do it as much.

I don't think it means you're cold or neglecting it. It's just part of who you are. I've never cried reading the gospels and I didn't cry watching the Passion. I could hardly even say I was touched by watching the movie. I thought something might have been wrong with me. But, I just came to realize that I am my own unique and God-created person and don't necessarily have to respond to events the same as others do.

BTW, congrats on being married :).

Brandon M. Brown said...